Enlightenment

I went to one of the most famous sightseeing spot in WuXi (无锡), Buddha of Lin Shan Mountain. (灵山大佛)

I don't have a religion myself, and I never thought of having one, but I am constantly seeking for a peace of mind without the religion help.

Being there, I didn't do any worship activity, I just simply make myself fully engaged with the natural environment on the mountain.

The atmosphere there is great, just like the name of it- Lin Shan (Mountain of Spirit). The whole mountain is covered by spring fresh green tea (碧螺春） and blossom flowers. The big Buddha standing in the middle, facing the famous Tai Hu (second largest lake in China).

There's not a lot of people, not many cars, not many noise. I am covered by the fresh mountain air with the bliss of spring.

I found a peace of mind, right there, at that moment.

I am not sure if this will be called as "enlightenment", it is just a state that my mind is blank.

My mind is blank, I am not thinking about anything but I am alive.

Then slowly, I have this vision, is a great plain field surrounded by mountain, the opening is to the sky and the ocean, is bright and warm.

Suddenly I accepted the fundamental true of life: when there's nobody there for you, nature will take care of you. Loneliness is just a state to achieve something more, you will reach a stage that normal people won't, if you never experience the ultimate loneliness.

I really don't need anybody right now. I am just glad that I am standing here and breathing, what more do I want?

And I start thinking about the reason that my boss strongly discourage me to visit Tibet, because I might really end up staying there and never come back.

Because, without my notice, I have grown up from those hurts and pains, I have absorb the ugliest side of the world and dissolved them.

Special day

Is special, but there's no picture allowed to be taken.

There are good memories and bad memories, and if I am able to snap a shot of those good one, it will be very nice. If I am able to snap a shot of those bad one, it will be very nice too.

We all want to remember, the good times and the bad times, good times for the fun of it, bad times for us to remember how good it is at the present.

But we can't snap a shot, because it is not allowed.

No matter how special the day is, we can only use our eyes as the camera lens, our brain as the SD memory card.

Sometimes, even looking at this very special day is a luxury wish that cannot be achieved. When you try to be close in a space full of distance, very long distance, there's no way to snap a shot, through a camera or eye.

There's only imagination can be used to determine, if this special day can be a good memory or a bad memory.

Still today

Today is a long day.

I feel like I already lost it.

There' s nothing left besides emptiness.

I think I am right, when you are too afraid of losing something, you always end up hurting it.

And if you let it comes and goes, it stays with you as long as you let it comes and goes.

Our hands are not mean to hold on to something, our heart is not for bonding a soul.

I don't know what's wrong for being desperate, I don't know what's wrong for overly concern about something.

I guess you just can't do a good job when stress is high.

And is still today, I am looking excuses for my mistake and I am pretending that is OK to be blue.

Maybe, is OK to lost it all. So I can either start all over again or do something greater than this.

Is not because of PMS

Today I feel like I am losing one of the most important person in my life.

And I refuse to blame that on PMS.

I really think PMS doesn't exist, but my belief has not been very consistent.

I rather believe that I am just born to be very mean, and the words I will chose to use are the hurting kind.

I enjoy doing it, I enjoy being a mean person.

Is not because of PMS.

(I am still denying.)

My life must be really boring..

My friend said I wrote a lot these days.

He said there are so many dying blogs, dead blog, or blog for sale out there but I have been writing for so many years.

Then he said, "Your life must be really boring..

or, you just don't have anyone to sleep with at home."

WTF.

I don't need anything to make me stop writing. Some people start writing for a reason, that's why, when the reason is not the reason for keeping it up anymore, they stop.

For instance, if my life must be really boring so I write, the one day, if my life is not boring anymore, I will join the blog for sale group.

Just admit it, people are too selfish to start something spontaneously or without a purpose, you do this for a purpose, you hate that for a purpose. Its just depends whether you are smart enough to know the real intention of your action.

Too bad, dumb people are everywhere, so they prefer assuming.

Over the phone

"Do you think I make your life better or worse?"

"Of course better , and how can you think of otherwise?"

That can be a good reason to stay positive for another day.

We all want to make good impact in others life, and we need to know we are making good impact in others life.

Then we can keep doing it.

In this case is simple, I just have to keep being myself and do not think otherwise.

Marriage

I have this idea long ago, our current marriage system that apply in most society, is bullshit.

Once again, I prove that my point is correct and when I disbelieve in this system, I am actually going to live happily ever after.

Love is really the easiest part to be achieved in a marriage, the meaning of love is so vague and there's no rule in love, is like a piece of paper, you can draw anything on it to define love.

Marriage is a system, it has rules and it needs a lot of work, and I believe this system is created for political reason. And this system only apply to old generation when there's no so much freedom and room for people to discover other aspect in life. The political picture changes everyday, every era, why have not marriage system change? Because of religion? Because of culture? I don't understand.

As we all know, now you don't need to get married to have baby and no one will look at you like a freak. You don't need to be with opposite sex to find your happily ever after ending. You can be a single and happy forever. You can fly, you can see the world, you have your PSP, Ipod, internet, cellphone to keep you busy all the time. We have so much to do now, we need to work, we need to rest, we need entertainment, we need to travel, we need to catch up with the world and etc...But why we choose to compromise to another person and just stuck at one place forever? Why there's even this "rule" of couple should sleep on the same bed?

Why there's no flexibility under this system?

I believe you fall in love for no reason but you married for a reason. Whatever reason that is, it should be something that you believe in, not what the society ask you to do. You create your own rule, and is ok whatever rule you want to implement in your own "wedding system", as long as you don't kill and don't use any violent.

But right now, there's nothing much we can do to change the whole social system, but remember there's only 2 rules in marriage is fixed and must be followed. First you need to legally register, and second you need to legally divorce. All these are paperworks with the government. GOVERNMENT! So marriage is politic, it affects your tax pay and your vote during election.

You can't have the same definition for love and marriage, marriage is a system, is not about you and me, he and she, is about 2 families make contact and connection. Is about surviving on the earth by forming your own group, is about responsibility, is about getting stronger, is about complete your duty as a human being: to get laid without worrying getting STD or AIDS and to produce your next generation.

Of course, you can make this process whole lot of fun, that's depends on how you want to do it, how you want to make your new rules for it, no one is going to tell you what to do and what to expect. No couples in this world will have the exact same marriage, same issues or same consequences.

Marriage can't bond a person, it certainly can't bond a soul. When it has to come to an end, remember, the most important thing is to keep yourself survive, because you can always enter the system again and do it differently.

Weekend

Weekend means,

My phone get to rest, no phone calls no text messages.

My email get to rest, no new email, no spams.

My facebook account get to rest, no new comments, no updates.

Is just me with me cross stitching.

Is there anything left for me?

There's this piece of land that you need to find the other half in order to survive.

When there's no one there is available for me, or even a good companion in seeking, is there anything left for me? Does it mean anything if I go back?

Or I just don't belong from the beginning.

Cross Stitching

I said I want to plan it well for this year, a hectic start lead to an unimaginable consequence that prevent me to go anywhere at this moment.

Good, so I switch to cross stitching.

To do this, you need to be tremendously focus, because first of all, you don't want to get hurt by the needle, second, you don't want to make any mistake because is hard to reverse the mistake.

Anything with needle and thread is a challenge for me because I have never been good at it. I got the lowest grade in my highschool sewing class, and is just too hard to make me sit still; even though my mom is so good, she made all my PJ last time when I was a kid, she even make some of the most incredible dress for me.

But surprisingly, the cross stitching thingy is going very well, is not addictive, but is fun. Is almost like meditating, and I think I get more from it then just trying to complete my 2 little cut sheeps. I get a peace of mind, I get rest, I get time for my eyes to stay away from any screen, I get to listen more around me, I get to sit still for a long time and don't feel depress about it.

I used to think, if one day I can sit still for a long time and do stitching, then I am qualified to be someone wife.

That actually make sense, because being someone else wife is a serious business, just like stitching. You can't make mistake because your responsible is not just you anymore, is the whole family. And is a tough job, is a job that need a lot of focus, is a job that need a determination of staying away from all the temptation.

And I never knew it make sense until I start stitching my 2 little sheeps.

So I guess I am ready to be someone wife whenever there's a good chance come by.

Maybe my friend is right, my bioclock is ticking, and is time for me to do settle down somewhere. Because I need to understand, settling down is helping me to go further and to achieve more in life.

I never know, so many events in life just happen natuarally.

Afterall, I don't have to plan my life well like I said at the beginning of the year, I just have to follow what life is giving me. I was too judgamental, I was too forceful, I was too anxious to create something or to change something or to make something happen in my way.

Because, I use to think if I want something happen, it will happen. I still believe in that, but I guess, I just don't believe this will work with people anymore. If this make sense, you get what you want, says, I want 1 million, I am sure I will get 1 million. But when it comes to people, they might want different thing, says, I want you to come here, but she want to go there. If the theory of you get what you want make sense, I should get her to comeh ere, and she should get me to go there. It doesn't work that way.

Between people, there's only negociation, agreement, and solution. You won't get what you want because the other person might want a different thing. You want to be with him, but he doesn't want to be with you, so tell me, how can these 2 persons happy and get what they really want at the end?

That's why cross stitching is good, because its pull you away from debating something like this, you just stitch and you create a new color, a new line and a new form. Is about creation, is about making things from scartch.

So I learn, creating is more meaningful than debating, debating is only for entertaining but creating is something that can sustain for a long time.

Dream

Like a dream, just one click, you wake up and is gone.

Nothing matter to you

Today I dreamed about saying that again.

Nothing matter to you.

And I realize, everything I do, I need to know it matters.

It matters to the person, to the earth, to myself.

But a lot of times, I do things that don't matter.

Don't matter to anyone or anything. I just do it.

Guess what? I didn't know they don't matter until I did it.

Now I know, forever and ever, they don't matter and they won't matter to anyone and anything.